Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
