our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
