She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
