At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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