So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
