I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
