i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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