mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
