imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
