You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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