my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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