Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
