Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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