Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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