we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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