so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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