Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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