I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
