what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
