I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
