You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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