so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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