I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
