also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
