I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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