and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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