i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.