you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
