my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
