If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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