i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
