I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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