the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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