My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
