It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
