OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
