It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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