I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
