This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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