I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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