i don't plan on having that self control this summer
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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