He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
