I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
