If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
