who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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