You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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