So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
