I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
