Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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