i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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