sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
