The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
