Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
