I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
