Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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