never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drake has all the answers
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
