he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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