I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
