I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
