i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I think we might need a safe word for this...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
