Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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