i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
