he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
3pm strippers are depressing
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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